In my dreams last night, I watched as men competed to capture the most beautiful fish in a magnificent lagoon. As each man jumped into the water, he brought up a beautiful fish fighting for its life. I woke up not only feeling sad for the fish but curious about what this dream could mean. Who were these men? Who were these fish? Why this beauty fish competition?
Right now we are in the Jewish month of Adar, the symbol for which is fish (like Pisces). During this time, we are given the opportunity to reveal what is hidden within. We dress up in costumes to feel more liberated and comfortable letting ourselves go.
On one level this dream could allude to revealing what is hidden - fish in water --> fish out of water--> now I know what I did not know. But I don't think that's it.
I think this dream is about letting go. As life moves forward and we make decisions, there is a narrowing of possibility. While growing older is a part of the cycle of life, it's not easy (especially when your body moves faster than your mind).
As many of you may know, I have had many different experiences in my life that have caused me to make sharp turns and unexpected twists (who hasn't?). From Cleveland to Vermont to Italy to New York, there are many beautiful fish that I have said good bye too - but I wonder, did I really say goodbye?
Have I said goodbye to prosciutto and melon? Have I fully come to terms with my mother's death? Have I accepted the fact that I will never be a Doctor? Each time my body twisted, did my mind follow suit?
Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it takes to really come to terms and be able to let go of something. Is it a question of time? Space? Is it something that one day just clicks and in the meanwhile, we are meant to live in that space of tension? What is the letting go formula?
Maybe, these men yanking the fish out of their beautiful home represent a lack of patience and kindness in processing the changes in my life. We do not have experiences in a vacuum. There is a before, during and after. My tendency is to skip the after and perhaps the cost of that is feeling that these experiences are slowly suffocating to death...
These fish, representing my beautiful experiences, are not getting the processing that they deserve. They are yearning to be revealed and processed.
This Adar as we take the time to reveal what is hidden, let's also take time to honor the before and after of our experiences. It could be that what is hidden is what is unprocessed, our superficial good byes. As the days past, may we all walk forward with both our feet and our minds.